I’m afraid that When All Else Fails, Run! is going to have to go on hiatus for a while. It’s been a whole lot of fun, but I just don’t have the time to work on it at the moment. I still have plenty of posts that I can write, especially for some of the new categories like Vampires and Shapeshifters, but they’re going to have to wait. I may also try to organize the existing material into a website, a la “So You’ve Decided to be Evil”, but that will have to wait as well.

Thanks for reading!

They come from outer space, arriving in hot rods that fly through the stars. They look just like ordinary teenagers, only dressed in leather jackets and black sunglasses. These aren’t your Bobby or Peggy-Sue, though, but aliens who have come to destroy the very fabric of society! Masters of mayhem, these space invaders love nothing more than to lure innocent American teens into rowdy behavior. Your own child may fall under their spell, and could start throwing bricks through storefront windows and listening to dangerous rock music!

Trying to stop them will seem futile. The space teenagers will be too “hip”, too “cool”, too “with it.” The streets will descend into anarchy, and parents everywhere will weep at the sudden loss of their domineering control. It is exactly at this point that you must not give up hope. Your child is still in there somewhere, they have simply been corrupted by deviant attitudes. You’re going to have to snatch them off the street, and deprogram them with old episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. Before long they should be back to normal, and you can team up together to run these space hooligans out of town.

These paranormal investigators are amazingly helpful when your home or business is infested by malevolent spirits. They have several technological tools at their disposal, including proton packs that shoot bolts of energy to direct the spirit and traps to catch it with (picture a lunch box that emits blinding white light). The ghost is then deposited in a long-term storage containment facility, and you can continue on with your life knowing that your dead husband won’t be rattling chains at you anymore.

Keep in mind that not all ghost hunters are this knowledgeable. There are those who prefer to investigate hauntings by having reality-tv film crews follow them around gathering black-and-white footage. They jump at every creak and bump in the night, and stare in horrified terror as they whisper: “Are you scared? I’m so scared!” The doorbell will then ring unexpectedly, and they’ll flee from the house while the pizza delivery guy stands there looking very confused. Take the time to do some research – hiring the wrong ghost hunter can waste time and money.

We’ve got a secret for you – the wolfman’s got nards. This probably shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, considering men and wolves have dangly bits of their own and it makes sense that a monstrous hybrid would have them as well. Many people seem to forget this possibility, though, and don’t realize that a well-aimed kick to the groin can get them out of a hairy predicament. Just aim low and make sure to wear steel-toed boots. It should also be noted that this fighting technique only works on wolfmen. Female werewolves have absolutely no problem getting kicked in the privates, and will simply give an amused smile before tearing you to pieces.

You thought you had the robotic army defeated. You smashed their defense grid, blew up the main base, and destroyed the robot boss in a huge and elaborate battle sequence. Nothing else to worry about, right? We regret to inform you this is not the case.

Robots have an extremely annoying tendency to send themselves back in time. They usually wait until the freedom fighters are just upon them, and then open a temporal gate to fifty years in the past. This gives the mechanoids plenty of time to change events and make sure the attack never occurred in the first place. They might do this by killing the mother of an important rebel leader, forcing certain technologies to be developed earlier, or just messing around with the stock market. It’s worse than cheating – no surprise that a robot would think it up.

There is some danger of paradox. If the robots kill the person that invented them, they’ll disappear in a puff of smoke. They’re usually careful about such things, though, and constantly scan history books to prevent overlap. The robot’s builder may even gain a new source of funding from a mysterious and metallic-voiced benefactor. You probably won’t know that any of this is going on, but there may be clues – keep an eye out for people with the same name being murdered. It might just be coincidence, but a time-traveling robot could also be on the loose.

This odd individual is identifiable by his straightjacket and incredibly crazed ranting. He went stark raving mad after meeting with the vampire, and now lives in an asylum where he mutters to himself loudly all the time. He also subsists almost entirely on a foul diet of flies and bugs. Not that he wouldn’t mind something a little larger, if you please. Such as a friendly sparrow to play with, or even a kitten. Ooh, yes… a kitten! He can train it to go after mice, and most definitely won’t eat it while you’re not looking.

You may be able to get some useful information out of this dignified fellow if you play your cards right. Talk about ‘the master’ and how he obviously don’t care about the man to leave him in an asylum like this. He’ll work himself into a frenzy talking about the vampire’s powers and intentions, only to stop in horror when he realizes that he’s said too much. You can then investigate the vampire further and leave the man who eats flies to scream in terrified anguish. His mysterious death in the padded cell the following night is surely just a coincidence.

Holy water is an excellent weapon against supernatural creatures. Most of them are completely vulnerable to the substance, and will dissolve into a convenient puff of white smoke upon being splashed. You’ll also find that holy water is fairly easy to obtain, just stop by your local church. The priest might give you a funny look when you burst in during a baptism to fill up your canteen, but it’s a small price to pay for ridding the world of an unspeakable evil. Just make sure to tip your hat to the crowd and thank them when you’re done.

The main problem with holy water is coming up with an efficient method to disperse it. Fire hoses have to stay connected to a hydrant, so the demon can just fly away from you. Glass vials can be broken all too easily, and water balloons should be preserved for summertime fun. You may simply want to have a minister on hand at all times to bless any water that you come across. He might bore you with his constant sermons, but this won’t matter when he turns a swimming pool into liquid death for the monstrous horrors that have invaded your town.

You may need to travel to the mystical land of Faerie at some point. Your child will have been stolen, or you’ll want to retrieve a fallen star, or you’ll simply be stricken with a powerful wanderlust. So how do you get there?

Your best bet is probably to journey into the deep woods and seek out a circle of mushrooms. These odd fungi mark the spots where the barrier between our two worlds is thin. If you visit during the ‘tween times (dawn or dusk) and aren’t afraid of having a hundred years pass while you’re gone, you can travel to magical lands. Just step into the mushroom patch, steady yourself from any dazed lightheadedness that you feel, and head forward into the trees. Try not to squash any gnomes as you do this – they tend to look down on such inconsiderate behavior.

A shy and self-conscious schoolgirl can become a psycho-killer if she gets pushed far enough. Unlike most mass murderers, though, the telekinetic teenager kills people with the power of her mind. She usually manifests these psychic abilities sometime around puberty – doors will start to fly open, clocks will mysteriously fall down, and windows will suddenly shatter for no reason. The teen may also find herself happy for the first time in her life, as hunky boys offer to carry her books for her or even take her to the prom.

This doesn’t last for long. As soon as the telekinetic teen is mortally embarrassed (pig’s blood usually does the trick), her sanity will slip away and she’ll become a one woman killing machine. Butchers knives will fly at anyone who ever made fun of her, while overhead lights will come crashing down on happy couples. Ever seen a star quarterback sliced in two? Not pretty. The school auditorium may even explode as the gas main bursts from the overall destruction. The teen isn’t invulnerable so it’s possible to stop her, but know that she can crush your heart with her sheer telekinetic might.

Perhaps the most frightening oversized foe that you can face is the giant spider. While technically not an insect, they’re included in this category because they’ve got a bunch of legs and are really creepy. These huge arachnids are the size of a two-story building, and won’t hesitate to pluck a helpless man out of his bed with their huge mandibles. Even worse, giant spiders can quickly travel along any surface and spew massive webs capable of immobilizing dozens of people in seconds. To say nothing of the heebie-jeebie factor.

On rare occasions, you may encounter several medium-sized spiders instead of one big one. This may seem like a stroke of luck, but it’s really not. A hundred spiders can take out a town with far greater speed and efficiency than a single eight-legged menace. They also tend to work in unison, engaging in lethal attacks to bring down plucky bands of survivors. You’ve got to stomp these oversized pests out the moment you see them, because otherwise you may find yourself trapped in their webs at feeding time. What’s on the menu? You.