Perhaps the most dangerous alien invader is the sultry vixen. Though they lack the strength, the armor, and the planet-busting weapons of other extraterrestrials, they make up for it with seductive powers and a drop-dead gorgeous appearance. That’s right, these aliens aren’t hideous at all, but six-foot-tall women with beehive hairdos and legs that just won’t quit. Many brave men have fallen prey to their charms and followed them into a silver spaceship, where they then have their brains eaten instead of the night of passion that they were probably expecting.
Sultry vixens come from a planet where all the males died out hundreds of centuries ago due to some unknown calamity. This has prompted them to develop strong pheromones which allow them to bewitch young men everywhere. Your closest friend might even turn on you, refusing to attack an object of such perfect beauty! It is therefore vitally important that you fight these aliens with nose plugs on, because otherwise you may end up a mind slave to vile temptresses who will cast you aside after draining your precious life fluids dry.
You wouldn’t believe how many problems are the result of huge canisters of glowing green goo. Whether it’s toxic waste from a government superfund site or the accidental byproduct of a revolutionary new deodorant, the slimy ooze always finds a way into modern cities. This is a cause for great concern, because the mysterious substance has the power to turn ordinary people into hideous monsters beyond imagining. A single dose is often enough to create a whole army of cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers! (Known in the common vernacular as C.H.U.D’S)
There’s more. Radioactive waste has been known to spawn giant monsters and bring the dead back to life. Those zombies that attacked Pittsburgh last week? They were woken up by glowing green goo. The stuff can even create teams of mutant terrapins who steal pizza and have absolutely no respect for the rules. It’s true that they also fight crime and save the world from aliens, but it’s just not worth the danger. Call your congressman today and ask him to vote for more funding to keep canisters of glowing green goo on the backs of trucks where they belong.
There are some crimes so great that they darken the very soul. A man will subsist on a diet of human flesh. A crazed woman will murder her family with an axe. A small boy will wake up his neighbor each morning to the music of The Jonas Brothers. Truly despicable, and the world itself may sit up and notice. The person will be cursed to turn into a werewolf as punishment for his vile deeds, and end up running through the forest on the night of the full moon before waking up the next morning and wondering where the hell his clothes are.
Curses like these are often passed along to the person’s descendants. The man’s son or daughter will be doomed to turn into a werewolf, as will their children, and so forth. The curse may also skip a few generations, so the mother and father will be normal, but their son will transform into a wild hairy maniac (make sure he hasn’t just joined a fraternity.) Is there a way to remove the curse? Not really. Fate has decided that the person is a monster, and so he must physically show it to the world. All you can do is load up your shotgun with silver buckshot and get a new furry rug for your home.
The mad psychologist is a truly disturbing foe. He can appear calm, collected, even witty, but beneath this normal exterior is a terrifying cannibal. His superior intelligence has caused him to go mad, you see, and he now preys on those he deems to be a waste of skin. Most of the world applies, which really shouldn’t come as too much of a shock. Dishwasher repairmen are practically guaranteed to be eaten, and telemarketers may find their innards sautéed in a delicious white wine sauce. Anyone he meets could become his next victim, particularly if they make too much noise at the opera.
These madmen are even a dangerous threat if they’re captured. Young FBI students may be tempted to ask their help in solving crimes, a tenuous proposition no matter which way you look at it. The mad psychologist will reveal clues in exchange for personal information, which he will then use in sadistic mind games. He might even manipulate the situation to facilitate his escape from the maximum security prison, but don’t worry too much if this happens. As long as the world is a more interesting place with you in it, you should be fine. Probably.
There’s just something about lightning that makes a mad scientist rub his hands together. The most common use is to reanimate human tissue – a huge jolt of electricity can really get a dead body dancing. They have to wait for a thunderstorm in order to do so, but when their monstrous creation is going on a rampage of terror, it’s well worth it. Lightning is also quite popular for powering the doomsday devices that mad scientists create on a regular basis. Mountaintop death rays don’t run on hopes and dreams, you know.
Now, lightning might seem a little quaint to use. This isn’t Victorian England anymore, and you can get a decent amount of power from a simple electrical outlet. There’s two problems: this can get really expensive, and it’s just not enough. Mad science requires an absolutely huge amount of electricity, and the only way an inventor is going to get the 1.21 jigawatts he needs to power his time machine is through a bolt of lightning. Since there’s no way to predict where and when it will strike, through, this often presents something of a difficulty.
One frightening possibility is that the robots may wish to merge with us. This generally involves the mechanoids turning humans into cybernetic slaves to serve as part of a giant machine collective. Resistance, they will claim, is useless. This is not true, but these cyborgs are far more dangerous than most robotic opponents you may face. They are highly resistant to conventional and energy weapons, and every man, woman and child that they jab with their pointy wrist devices will become a grim soldier in their massive cybernetic army.
To whit: all four limbs are replaced with mechanical enhancements; the torso becomes sheathed in metal; the heart is exchanged for a ticking clock; laser guns are added to the forearms, usually in two or more; the eyes are replaced with thermographic sensors; a sparkly antenna is added to the back of the head. The person’s memory is then plugged into the global hive-mind and totally consumed. The final result is a robotic/human hybrid that serves the machine collective without hesitation and thinks as one mind – though the women are kind of hot.
Zombies have fairly predictable movements. They shuffle forward at a slow pace, stopping only to batter their fists against a door or window. They sway as they move, causing them to bump into each other. They also tend to wander around in a circle if their foot accidentally gets stuck in something. These things are important to know, because if you can learn how to properly mimic their body gestures, you may be able to walk unnoticed among them. This will allow you safe passage to your destination, albeit a incredibly boring and plodding one. Trust us, zombies aren’t too bright – most of their brains are leaking onto the sidewalk.
Try following these simple rules:
1) Stumble one foot forward, then another.
2) Don’t walk faster than one mile every six hours.
3) Sway your body back and forth.
4) Adopt a suitable mindless expression.
5) Flail your arms about wildly.
6) Trip over yourself every now and then – this adds realism.
Your strongest weapon in the fight against colossal insects will likely be orbital laser platforms. These high-tech particle beams are capable of downing oversized beetles with great precision and can blast giant moths out of the sky from hundreds of miles away. You can also use them to create powerful laser webs, entangling the insects in a sinister death trap from which there is no escape. Should your civilization not possess the appropriate SDI technology yet, then ordinary lasers will do. Simply convert them to gun form and use the beams to vaporize the giant bugs as they storm through your city or town.
You don’t possess laser guns either? Then you’re probably screwed.
Beware of crypt dwellers in all their forms. These mummified corpses might seem like a better foe than most horrors from beyond, but they can easily be just as dangerous. This is mostly due to their supernatural fortitude – bullets do little, as do blades. Even worse, they nearly always possess tomb rot, a monstrous disease that can reduce the healthiest man to a withered corpse. They’re also physically immortal, so unless you burn the body and scatter the ashes to the four winds, they’re bound to reform and knock on your front door in a few days time.
Crypt dwellers usually become obsessed with some dark task that consumes the essence of their being. They might seek to hunt down every person who opened their tomb (a big no-no), or track down the golden urns which contain their mummified organs. Some may even attempt to bring their three thousand-year-old bride back to life, using ancient Egyptian rituals and your newfound love interest. Know that nothing will stop them in their unspeakable quest, save death – so death you must give to them, preferably while swinging from a chandelier.
You’ll definitely be in for some trouble if one of the fair folk manages to sneak into your apartment complex. He’ll start by taking someone else’s form – say, your sister. You’ll know it’s not her because she’ll stare at you creepily while you watching television and casually toss people around the room. He will then proceed to take over the apartments one-by-one by filling them with trees and mushrooms and nature detritus. He may even use his mystic powers to magically transform the residents, turning young women into wood nymphs and any short black men that he encounters into a “brother elf”. You see? He’s short! So it all makes sort of sense.
Please be aware that you’ve got a limited amount of time here. If the fae villain successfully transforms the whole apartment complex into a nature paradise, it will create a gateway to his magical realm. You’ll then have gnomes and goblins running through the city streets, which really drives down the property values. Try thinking ahead and stash bottles of weed killer throughout the apartment complex. It might not hurt your foe, but you can use them to weaken the huge mass of vines that is quickly overtaking the building. Do it enough, and his mischievous plans will be thwarted.
